Pathetic

Good God.
I can't even handle myself right now.
But it's... everything is impossible. It's impossible for me to feel like an average person instead of a 6 year old's broken and discarded toy. It's impossible for me to believe in a benevolent god when we live in such a time. The world is such a beautiful place, but how could someone have made it so beautiful, but have put such suffering on it? I honestly believe that few people are ever truly happy, and for those that can achieve it, the moments are few and fleeting.
Maybe I'm so unhappy because I feel unfulfilled, and generally unimpassioned.
I don't really love anything. There is no one thing in my life that I couldn't live without, material or otherwise. I have no great skill, I am alright or good at many things, but I don't have any defining quality that sets me apart. I am what you could call a "Jack of All Trades" but that doesn't make me special, that just makes me like the next clown who can do a couple of things well.

* Quick interlude to my rantings and ravings about the unfortunate inner workings of my mind: I was just visually assaulted by Usher's Trading Places video. Holy Shit. So hot. *
**I have almost been successfully diverted. But not quite.**

Zach is like... I don't know. Like no one I've ever known before.
I said how I talk to him every day in my Anatomy class.. well, he's in my Leadership class as well (biggest waste of time ever) which is the hour before my Anatomy class. In Leadership I don't get to talk to him much, because he sits on the other side of the room and he has more friends in there. So mostly, Leadership makes me cranky because I end up sulking and being generally disagreeable due to his removed-ness.
Mostly what I think about in Leadership is him, ways I could get him, etc. Yes, very pathetic, I know. Sneaking glances at him is not my preferred mode of operation and I like to get my way.
Anyway, from Leadership to Anatomy, I'm in a bad mood. Once he comes over and sits behind me in Anatomy... I forget all about it. He's like perpetual sunshine. Being around him makes me happy. Today, I noticed as I was sitting in Stats, which I have after Anatomy that when I'm around him, I focus less on wishing for him. I laugh, and we talk with the other two people who sit in our little corner. It's like magic.

Sometimes he's sad because of the previously mentioned other girl. A.K.A. the bitch who has no intention of ever giving him anything.. just letting him think that she's interested. Keeping her options open. Meanwhile, he watches her hook up with one of his friends, and a multitude of other guys, which kills him, concurrently, I'm watching him pine over her, and her just run all over him, which kills me.
On the other hand, now and again I ignore the whole mess, because of how happy I get being around him. I'm terrified that next semester we won't be in any classes together. He'll forget all about me. We don't really run in the same circles. But I could. Given the chance, I could make myself a fixture in that group. I would.

This is the thing. And I know this sounds dramatic. It is.
But what's really destroying me is that I would jump at any opportunity to have a chance with him. I would do whatever I could. But I don't know what I can do ( if I did, I would have done it already ). I would do so much for that one shot, while she treats him as her last choice.

And he's devoted.

And I'm miserable.