I have to stop doing this to myself.
The more I see him, and seek him out because it makes me happy the more sad I get.
I really think I'm mildly insane.
And this may be the funniest thing I've ever heard, my mother thinks I need to go to a psychiatrist because I have a few existentialist tendencies and find it difficult to believe in a benevolent god.
I told her that if anything, it's only proof of my intelligence, because that includes me in the ranks of some of the greatest minds in history.
Even Voltaire was a deist. He thought that while "God" had created the earth and man, he had no further interference in our lives.
I know these ideas are very abrasive to most people, but it's only what I think. Who am I to tell you how or what to believe?
Anyway, she went to Borders today and bought me a bunch of self-help books on confronting your problems and leaving your anxieties to God.
That she thinks I'll read them and be miraculously cured of what goes on in my mind is the funniest part.
Any and all the issues I have run a lot deeper than what a self-help book can work out. The shrink may not be the worst idea.
In any case, I'm back to dieting again.
Not necessarily the healthiest thing I could do, but I'm doing what it takes not to feel so lonely any more. If that means I have to feel hungry all the time now in order to get what/whom I want later, so be it. I'm almost back to my thinnest ever... so that's good. This time is a little healthier than last time, which is good too. I haven't reverted to surviving on caffeine pills, water, and cucumbers, so I figure I'm doing all right.
Went to Victoria's Secret today. Got some new underthingssss... I'm not sure why I bother to buy the really cute lacy ones I like because it's not like anyone but me sees them. I guess you just feel better when you know your whole outfit including your undergarments is cute instead of just what's on top.
I think I must be really...morbid. I spent a good 30 minutes thinking about what if I was hanging out with a group of people on someone's dock and Zach was there, and he got hit in the head with something and fell in, and I jumped in and saved him. And what would happen after that? Before I jumped in I would tell someone to call an ambulance, and then jump in and get him, because I would be the fastest swimmer there. And then... hope that some one on land knew CPR, because I only kind of do. I thought about how much of a struggle it would be to bring him up, and how my lungs would scream for air, I would have to use mind over matter, because the body doesn't need even half as much air as it wants for it to function and I would tell myself that. I thought about how my leg muscles might cramp, but I would have to keep kicking, and about how awkward swimming like that would be. Breaking the surface, getting him back up onto the dock. Laying on the dock only for a second, completely out of breath. Getting up as soon as possible to help whomever was hopefully giving him CPR. I thought about him coughing up water, and going in the ambulance with him. Maybe holding his hand.
At least he didn't die in the end. In any case, I'm obviously a little fucked in the head.
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aaagh, I used to get so annoyed when ppl forced their beliefs on me. Now I remain respectful and just find it amusing, but I get where they're coming from... in their eyes, they think they're doing something good.
ReplyDeleteI DO agree with something you wrote, I think doubting something and breaking down old beliefs IS almost definitely a sign of intelligence.
Critical Intelligence, Descartes did the same thing in his Meditations!
Hope your well!
Don't really know the whole story behind this post, and i'm like..the last person to give any sort of advice.. but when shit gets a little too much for me, thats the point I tell everyone to f&%k off and focus on myself. If I can manage to LOVE hanging out with myself, then everything else usually follows.
x