I don't ask for much, I want to have control, I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul.

I have to stop doing this to myself.
The more I see him, and seek him out because it makes me happy the more sad I get.
I really think I'm mildly insane.

And this may be the funniest thing I've ever heard, my mother thinks I need to go to a psychiatrist because I have a few existentialist tendencies and find it difficult to believe in a benevolent god.
I told her that if anything, it's only proof of my intelligence, because that includes me in the ranks of some of the greatest minds in history.
Even Voltaire was a deist. He thought that while "God" had created the earth and man, he had no further interference in our lives.

I know these ideas are very abrasive to most people, but it's only what I think. Who am I to tell you how or what to believe?

Anyway, she went to Borders today and bought me a bunch of self-help books on confronting your problems and leaving your anxieties to God.
That she thinks I'll read them and be miraculously cured of what goes on in my mind is the funniest part.
Any and all the issues I have run a lot deeper than what a self-help book can work out. The shrink may not be the worst idea.

In any case, I'm back to dieting again.
Not necessarily the healthiest thing I could do, but I'm doing what it takes not to feel so lonely any more. If that means I have to feel hungry all the time now in order to get what/whom I want later, so be it. I'm almost back to my thinnest ever... so that's good. This time is a little healthier than last time, which is good too. I haven't reverted to surviving on caffeine pills, water, and cucumbers, so I figure I'm doing all right.

Went to Victoria's Secret today. Got some new underthingssss... I'm not sure why I bother to buy the really cute lacy ones I like because it's not like anyone but me sees them. I guess you just feel better when you know your whole outfit including your undergarments is cute instead of just what's on top.

I think I must be really...morbid. I spent a good 30 minutes thinking about what if I was hanging out with a group of people on someone's dock and Zach was there, and he got hit in the head with something and fell in, and I jumped in and saved him. And what would happen after that? Before I jumped in I would tell someone to call an ambulance, and then jump in and get him, because I would be the fastest swimmer there. And then... hope that some one on land knew CPR, because I only kind of do. I thought about how much of a struggle it would be to bring him up, and how my lungs would scream for air, I would have to use mind over matter, because the body doesn't need even half as much air as it wants for it to function and I would tell myself that. I thought about how my leg muscles might cramp, but I would have to keep kicking, and about how awkward swimming like that would be. Breaking the surface, getting him back up onto the dock. Laying on the dock only for a second, completely out of breath. Getting up as soon as possible to help whomever was hopefully giving him CPR. I thought about him coughing up water, and going in the ambulance with him. Maybe holding his hand.

At least he didn't die in the end. In any case, I'm obviously a little fucked in the head.

Bed.

Obviously, bed is the greatest place to be in the world.
It is the only place, in my experience, where nothing bad ever happens.
Nightmares don't count as bad because they're not real.

I can be as pathetic, and melodramatic, and upset as I want, and no one will ever know.

I don't talk to my parents about anything. To be honest, I don't really talk to anyone about anything. I guess having outward feelings of sadness or similar sentiments is not something I've grown up with. It's kind of like a don't ask don't tell policy.

I've been a bit curmudgeonly lately due to my current predicament, and my parents just keep asking me about it, which only makes things worse. I can't really help it. I never have been good at telling people what's wrong. Unless, of course, it's something they did. I'm not one for beating around the bush with that type of thing.

So now I'm in my bed, pretending to be writing essays and listening to songs that illustrate how I'm feeling - like I Want You (She's so Heavy) by The Beatles, Iris by The Goo Goo Dolls, We Belong Together by Mariah Carey, and Teardrops on My Guitar by Taylor Swift.

I'm now going to burrow into my blankets and hope I disappear.

Pathetic

Good God.
I can't even handle myself right now.
But it's... everything is impossible. It's impossible for me to feel like an average person instead of a 6 year old's broken and discarded toy. It's impossible for me to believe in a benevolent god when we live in such a time. The world is such a beautiful place, but how could someone have made it so beautiful, but have put such suffering on it? I honestly believe that few people are ever truly happy, and for those that can achieve it, the moments are few and fleeting.
Maybe I'm so unhappy because I feel unfulfilled, and generally unimpassioned.
I don't really love anything. There is no one thing in my life that I couldn't live without, material or otherwise. I have no great skill, I am alright or good at many things, but I don't have any defining quality that sets me apart. I am what you could call a "Jack of All Trades" but that doesn't make me special, that just makes me like the next clown who can do a couple of things well.

* Quick interlude to my rantings and ravings about the unfortunate inner workings of my mind: I was just visually assaulted by Usher's Trading Places video. Holy Shit. So hot. *
**I have almost been successfully diverted. But not quite.**

Zach is like... I don't know. Like no one I've ever known before.
I said how I talk to him every day in my Anatomy class.. well, he's in my Leadership class as well (biggest waste of time ever) which is the hour before my Anatomy class. In Leadership I don't get to talk to him much, because he sits on the other side of the room and he has more friends in there. So mostly, Leadership makes me cranky because I end up sulking and being generally disagreeable due to his removed-ness.
Mostly what I think about in Leadership is him, ways I could get him, etc. Yes, very pathetic, I know. Sneaking glances at him is not my preferred mode of operation and I like to get my way.
Anyway, from Leadership to Anatomy, I'm in a bad mood. Once he comes over and sits behind me in Anatomy... I forget all about it. He's like perpetual sunshine. Being around him makes me happy. Today, I noticed as I was sitting in Stats, which I have after Anatomy that when I'm around him, I focus less on wishing for him. I laugh, and we talk with the other two people who sit in our little corner. It's like magic.

Sometimes he's sad because of the previously mentioned other girl. A.K.A. the bitch who has no intention of ever giving him anything.. just letting him think that she's interested. Keeping her options open. Meanwhile, he watches her hook up with one of his friends, and a multitude of other guys, which kills him, concurrently, I'm watching him pine over her, and her just run all over him, which kills me.
On the other hand, now and again I ignore the whole mess, because of how happy I get being around him. I'm terrified that next semester we won't be in any classes together. He'll forget all about me. We don't really run in the same circles. But I could. Given the chance, I could make myself a fixture in that group. I would.

This is the thing. And I know this sounds dramatic. It is.
But what's really destroying me is that I would jump at any opportunity to have a chance with him. I would do whatever I could. But I don't know what I can do ( if I did, I would have done it already ). I would do so much for that one shot, while she treats him as her last choice.

And he's devoted.

And I'm miserable.

Lonely

It seems that the only time I feel like writing on here is when I'm feeling lonely. I wish it wasn't that way, but since I don't like to talk about my feelings to the people in my life ( I don't like people all up in my shit. My head is a mess all the time, no one else needs to be subjected to that.) this is just somewhere for me to let it out.

Whenever I have my eye on a guy (or two) I get stuck in this rut. I seem to notice more PDA in the halls at school than usual, and it kills me. People sharing little kisses before going off to class, people holding hands walking to wherever, etc. Knowing that I've never had that. Knowing that now I'm considered "weird" because I'm a senior and have hardly ever been kissed. Even if someone was interested in me, how would I explain that?

I think part of my problem is that just like every other schmuck out there I'm always interested in the cute, charming guy. My current two options are.. frustrating to say the least.

Option #1: Zachary.
He's adorable, extremely nice, talkative, outgoing, generally liked by everyone. Blonde hair (excellent flow :D), chocolate brown eyes, athletic.
My chances are low. If we're being honest, they're next to non-existent. Not only could he date just about anyone he wanted, but he's in love (I'm not kidding. I talk to him all the time in my anatomy class, he sits behind me) with this girl who is just playing him. (And the other 5 guys who are interested in her)(I actually really, really, really don't like her. And I would like to know what they see in her, because she is not that pretty, and isn't a nice person.) He makes me wish I were more of a dreamer, and I want to be around him all the time. It's rediculous.

Option #2: Brett.
Brett is.. well, in any case he is cute. But can we say emotionally fucked? With him it's like the "I want to save you" syndrome. (I know, I know, that's a terrible idea) I don't know though. He can read me so easily, he just looks me in the eye and it's like he knows. On the other hand he's kind of a serial dater, and doesn't have the best reputation amongst the ladies. It's a situation where I would have to be an idiot to date him. Is that why I want to?

Option #3: Jake.
Jake is strong, well muscled, blue eyed, generally gorgeous. Here are the issues.
He's 21 and probably not actually interested in girls who are still in highschool, he really wants into my best friend's pants, and is totally hung up on his ex. He's charismatic, warm, and smells SO good.

I hate this. When I'm interested in people, I feel more lonely than ever. I don't know. I never know. All I really know is that none of them is actually an option. But that's kind of my curse... I only go for basically unavailable men. Weird subconscious desire to fail in this due to fear? Possibly. Maybe probably.

I'm going to have to meditate about this.

Two more things:
I want a cat.

I wish George Harrison was still alive.