I am an only child.
Even typing those words is like writing my life story.
I am an only child.
As many times as I type those words, they always mean the same thing.
I am an only child.
I am destined to be alone.
That is what being an only child is, for me.
But how melodramatic is that?
This may be the most honest post I could ever write, because this is the one thing that plagues me day and night.
I am alone, and sometimes I'm convinced that no one outside of my parents will ever love me.
Watching movies about people with siblings makes me cry (for example Little Women, My Sister's Keeper, etc.), but not because of the sad event, but because they make me think about how I will never ever have that relationship with anyone. You can't recreate the feeling of having a sibling. No friend you will ever have is going to be forced to stay with you through anything like a sibling. Friends come and go, a sibling is your blood, and families don't fall apart quite the way friendships can.
Watching movies like The Notebook, and P.S. I Love You make most people cry. But not for the same reasons they make me cry. When I watch P.S. I Love You, I can't imagine ever having someone love me so much that they would leave me messages after they were gone. I can't imagine someone even liking me enough for them to know me that well. The Notebook reminds me of my first kiss. I was in South Carolina, it was on the beach, at night. I didn't know him, we met that night. He asked me if I wanted to go somewhere, I turned him down because I wasn't sure of his intentions and I wasn't planning on having sex on the beach. (uncomfortable?) Now I wish almost every day that I would have gone with him. I kick myself for it all the time. That was my first kiss. That was two years ago, I was 16 (old, I know). Two years later, my first kiss is also my last kiss. How pathetic am I? The Notebook is set in South Carolina, yes, but the big thing is that I never saw him again because I was leaving the next day to come back home to Michigan, the same as Allie had to go home as well.
My biggest wish in life is that some day, some way, I will find someone who loves me, even with my imperfections.
That doesn't stop me from crying some nights because I'm sure I never will.
In my head, I'm so much more dramatic that I am outwardly, but it's so much easier to express to the faceless internet.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Surveyy
Oh lordy. I remember when these were all the craze on myspace back when I was in middle school.
Anyway, I'm procrastinating writing a paper, so here goes.
{1} what do you do when you're bored?
Well, I guess I complain about it on here, or I just go on the computer in general... watch some really awful TV(The Real Housewives of _______, Jersey Shore, Say Yes to the Dress, etc.) Most of the time the people on those shows are so sad and dysfunctional that it makes you feel really good about your life. hahah.
{2} are you an autumn or a spring?
I like both. Spring is about awakening, and it's so amazing when you feel that little bit of warmth from the depths of winter. I love to see all the trees and grass turn green, and watching the flowers come out. Fall smells wonderful, and so many events happen in the fall. The leaves turn pretty colors, and usually the weather isn't too bad, unless it rains, but that happens in spring, too.
{3} quick! you're stuck at an airport for hours and the only options are crossword puzzles or an old novel that nobody's heard of.
The novel, because I usually can't answer all the questions in a crossword puzzle and have to look in the back of the book, but cheating makes me sad. Besides, I like to read.
{4} jane austen or emily bronte?
Well, that's a difficult question. I think I'm going to have to say both again for this one, because I love me some Wuthering Heights. But I also really love Pride and Prejudice, as well as Persuasion. I can't hold only writing one well known novel against Emily just because Jane had several. It's definitely both.
{5} do you feel prepared for the five other questions coming your way?
I think so. Why? Are they horrendous?
{6} who's your hero?
Ummmm. I don't know. I think my heroes are people who aren't afraid to go out and do what they love. I wish I wasn't so afraid of failure, and so materialistic. If I didn't have this need for physical things, I think I would end up much happier in the long run.
{7} favorite word?
I'd have to say disestablishmentarianism, androgynous(fun to say, fun to watch people look at you funnily) or inexplicable.
{8} are you one of those "checklist" people or are you a "wing it and hope everything goes well" sort of person?
It really depends. If I'm putting a cabinet together, I'd like some instructions, please. But if I'm just running around trying to pack for a trip I'm taking, I tend to wing it and hope I remembered everything. Which I never do, so I don't know why I don't make a checklist.... Actually I do. Because I wouldn't like the checklist because it would tell me that I'm over packing like I do every time. And then I would have to rip it up and throw it out the window because I happen to like over packing. You never know what you're going to need.
{9} what phrase has stuck with you in your life?
"The only thing you have to fear is fear itself." - Winston Churchill
and
"Let us beware of saying that death is the opposite of life. The living being is only a species of the dead, and a very rare species." - Friedrich Nietzsche
{10} if you were to choose between coffee and tea, which would you go with?
Tea. There's way more variety. Herbal, Black, Green, with milk, without milk, with honey, without honey, with sugar instead of honey, without sugar, hot, cold, mixture of herbal and green, mixture of herbal and black, mixture of black and green. And if you stay away from the black tea, it won't stain your teeth, but there's no way to get around that with coffee. ( I have issues with teeth.)
Anyway, I'm procrastinating writing a paper, so here goes.
{1} what do you do when you're bored?
Well, I guess I complain about it on here, or I just go on the computer in general... watch some really awful TV(The Real Housewives of _______, Jersey Shore, Say Yes to the Dress, etc.) Most of the time the people on those shows are so sad and dysfunctional that it makes you feel really good about your life. hahah.
{2} are you an autumn or a spring?
I like both. Spring is about awakening, and it's so amazing when you feel that little bit of warmth from the depths of winter. I love to see all the trees and grass turn green, and watching the flowers come out. Fall smells wonderful, and so many events happen in the fall. The leaves turn pretty colors, and usually the weather isn't too bad, unless it rains, but that happens in spring, too.
{3} quick! you're stuck at an airport for hours and the only options are crossword puzzles or an old novel that nobody's heard of.
The novel, because I usually can't answer all the questions in a crossword puzzle and have to look in the back of the book, but cheating makes me sad. Besides, I like to read.
{4} jane austen or emily bronte?
Well, that's a difficult question. I think I'm going to have to say both again for this one, because I love me some Wuthering Heights. But I also really love Pride and Prejudice, as well as Persuasion. I can't hold only writing one well known novel against Emily just because Jane had several. It's definitely both.
{5} do you feel prepared for the five other questions coming your way?
I think so. Why? Are they horrendous?
{6} who's your hero?
Ummmm. I don't know. I think my heroes are people who aren't afraid to go out and do what they love. I wish I wasn't so afraid of failure, and so materialistic. If I didn't have this need for physical things, I think I would end up much happier in the long run.
{7} favorite word?
I'd have to say disestablishmentarianism, androgynous(fun to say, fun to watch people look at you funnily) or inexplicable.
{8} are you one of those "checklist" people or are you a "wing it and hope everything goes well" sort of person?
It really depends. If I'm putting a cabinet together, I'd like some instructions, please. But if I'm just running around trying to pack for a trip I'm taking, I tend to wing it and hope I remembered everything. Which I never do, so I don't know why I don't make a checklist.... Actually I do. Because I wouldn't like the checklist because it would tell me that I'm over packing like I do every time. And then I would have to rip it up and throw it out the window because I happen to like over packing. You never know what you're going to need.
{9} what phrase has stuck with you in your life?
"The only thing you have to fear is fear itself." - Winston Churchill
and
"Let us beware of saying that death is the opposite of life. The living being is only a species of the dead, and a very rare species." - Friedrich Nietzsche
{10} if you were to choose between coffee and tea, which would you go with?
Tea. There's way more variety. Herbal, Black, Green, with milk, without milk, with honey, without honey, with sugar instead of honey, without sugar, hot, cold, mixture of herbal and green, mixture of herbal and black, mixture of black and green. And if you stay away from the black tea, it won't stain your teeth, but there's no way to get around that with coffee. ( I have issues with teeth.)
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Curious Tuesday 004
155.1. Who is your favourite musician, NOT in terms of talent or aptitude, but based on pure sex appeal?
For sure, without a doubt, Jim Morrison.
2. What were some quirks of your past lovers that drove you crazy?
Bad table manners drive me crazy in anyone.
3. If there was a movie made about your life, what song would you absolutely INSIST be on the soundtrack?
New Slang – The Shins
Ramble On – Led Zeppelin
Dirt Off Your Shoulder – Jay-Z
4. What is your favourite quote right now?
Let us beware of saying that death is the opposite of life. The living being is only a species of the dead, and a very rare species.
-Friedrich Nietzsche
5. Connect up with other nonpareils! Post links to your website, Facebook, Twitter, etc., here! (We haven’t done this in a long time & it’s so much fun! Thanks to Vixxie for reminding me!)
livingwax.blogspot.com/
twitter.com/LivingWax
via: http://galadarling.com/article/curious-tuesday-4?commented=1#c087805
For sure, without a doubt, Jim Morrison.
2. What were some quirks of your past lovers that drove you crazy?
Bad table manners drive me crazy in anyone.
3. If there was a movie made about your life, what song would you absolutely INSIST be on the soundtrack?
New Slang – The Shins
Ramble On – Led Zeppelin
Dirt Off Your Shoulder – Jay-Z
4. What is your favourite quote right now?
Let us beware of saying that death is the opposite of life. The living being is only a species of the dead, and a very rare species.
-Friedrich Nietzsche
5. Connect up with other nonpareils! Post links to your website, Facebook, Twitter, etc., here! (We haven’t done this in a long time & it’s so much fun! Thanks to Vixxie for reminding me!)
livingwax.blogspot.com/
twitter.com/LivingWax
via: http://galadarling.com/article/curious-tuesday-4?commented=1#c087805
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
The Doors of Perception
There is something about The Doors and Jim Morrisson that draws me in and holds me. There's something about the music, the legend, the facts of the band that tells me there is something there more than what's on the surface.
Those who haven't read about him, make think that Jim Morrisson was a sex-crazed, drunken fool. The truth is that he was extremely intelligent, someone who routinely pushed the limits, a poet.
One morning he awoke in a green hotel
With a strange creature groaning beside him
Sweat oozed from its shining skin
Is everybody in?
Is everybody in?
Is everybody in?
The ceremony is about to begin
Once I had a little game
I liked to crawl back in my brain
I think you know the game I mean
I mean the game called "Go Insane"
Now you should try this little game
Just close your eyes, forget your name
forget the world, forget the people
and we'll erect a different steeple.
This little game is fun to do.
Just close your eyes, no way to lose
And I'm right here, I'm going too
Release control, we're breaking through
-The Celebration of the Lizard, James Douglas Morrisson
I don't know what it is about him and them, but there is a magnetism.
My favorites are Moonlight Drive, Love Street, When the Music's Over, Spanish Carrivan, Roadhouse Blues, and my absolute favorite is The End.
I don't know. It seems that even though I don't stay in my The Doors phases, I always come back to them, and they linger more than other ones do.
Those who haven't read about him, make think that Jim Morrisson was a sex-crazed, drunken fool. The truth is that he was extremely intelligent, someone who routinely pushed the limits, a poet.
One morning he awoke in a green hotel
With a strange creature groaning beside him
Sweat oozed from its shining skin
Is everybody in?
Is everybody in?
Is everybody in?
The ceremony is about to begin
Once I had a little game
I liked to crawl back in my brain
I think you know the game I mean
I mean the game called "Go Insane"
Now you should try this little game
Just close your eyes, forget your name
forget the world, forget the people
and we'll erect a different steeple.
This little game is fun to do.
Just close your eyes, no way to lose
And I'm right here, I'm going too
Release control, we're breaking through
-The Celebration of the Lizard, James Douglas Morrisson
I don't know what it is about him and them, but there is a magnetism.
My favorites are Moonlight Drive, Love Street, When the Music's Over, Spanish Carrivan, Roadhouse Blues, and my absolute favorite is The End.
I don't know. It seems that even though I don't stay in my The Doors phases, I always come back to them, and they linger more than other ones do.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
I really thought I would be more consistant about this...
Everything is so ridiculously busy right now.
It seems that all of my teachers think that their class is the only one I have, when in fact I have six others.
Last night I went to bed at 1:00 AM and then woke up at 5:30 AM so I could finish all of the homework I couldn't finish by 1.
I wish teachers would plan better so that instead of trying to cram 4000 things in at the end of the year, the whole year would just move a slight bit faster. I suppose that's just too much to ask, though.
To make matters worse, prom is this weekend ( although I'm excited for prom, it's really just adding to my stress )
And Arts Jam ( which is an art festival my school has every year, where student artists get to display all the work they've done over the past year ) is on Thursday, which I guess is tomorrow. So I'm trying desperately to finish up some projects that I've been working on for that, but when I'm up until 1:00 with homework, it doesn't really leave much time for painting/drawing/creating.
I don't know what to do with myself. I feel like I'm just everywhere without a real focus.
All I want is to paint, and listen to The Doors.
Because in case I haven't mentioned this before, The Doors are my favorite ever.
To add to this clusterfuck, a total of 2 of the 8 phones in my house are working, and I don't appreciate having to run around the house to find a phone when half the time I look at the caller id and it says "Toll Free Call" anyway.
My room and the room I've been painting are both a mess, and it's just gotten to the point where I can't function in them anymore, but when I don't even have enough time to do my homework, how the hell am I supposed to find time to clean?
I also need to do laundry desperately. Just in case you needed to know that.
But what I need above everything else,
we're talking about need numero uno.
Is a nap.
I just really, really, need a nap.
This is whats playing in my head:
The End - The Doors
This is the end
Beautiful friend
This is the end
My only friend, the end
Of our elaborate plans, the end
Of everything that stands, the end
No safety or surprise, the end
I'll never look into your eyes...again
Can you picture what will be
So limitless and free
Desperately in need...of some...stranger's hand
In a...desperate land
Lost in a Roman...wilderness of pain
And all the children are insane
All the children are insane
Waiting for the summer rain, yeah
There's danger on the edge of town
Ride the King's highway, baby
Weird scenes inside the gold mine
Ride the highway west, baby
Ride the snake, ride the snake
To the lake, the ancient lake, baby
The snake is long, seven miles
Ride the snake...he's old, and his skin is cold
The west is the best
The west is the best
Get here, and we'll do the rest
The blue bus is callin' us
The blue bus is callin' us
Driver, where you taken' us
The killer awoke before dawn, he put his boots on
He took a face from the ancient gallery
And he walked on down the hall
He went into the room where his sister lived, and...then he
Paid a visit to his brother, and then he
He walked on down the hall, and
And he came to a door...and he looked inside
Father, yes son, I want to kill you
Mother...I want to...fuck you
C'mon baby, take a chance with us
C'mon baby, take a chance with us
C'mon baby, take a chance with us
And meet me at the back of the blue bus
Doin' a blue rock
On a blue bus
Doin' a blue rock
C'mon, yeah
Kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill
This is the end
Beautiful friend
This is the end
My only friend, the end
It hurts to set you free
But you'll never follow me
The end of laughter and soft lies
The end of nights we tried to die
This is the end
It seems that all of my teachers think that their class is the only one I have, when in fact I have six others.
Last night I went to bed at 1:00 AM and then woke up at 5:30 AM so I could finish all of the homework I couldn't finish by 1.
I wish teachers would plan better so that instead of trying to cram 4000 things in at the end of the year, the whole year would just move a slight bit faster. I suppose that's just too much to ask, though.
To make matters worse, prom is this weekend ( although I'm excited for prom, it's really just adding to my stress )
And Arts Jam ( which is an art festival my school has every year, where student artists get to display all the work they've done over the past year ) is on Thursday, which I guess is tomorrow. So I'm trying desperately to finish up some projects that I've been working on for that, but when I'm up until 1:00 with homework, it doesn't really leave much time for painting/drawing/creating.
I don't know what to do with myself. I feel like I'm just everywhere without a real focus.
All I want is to paint, and listen to The Doors.
Because in case I haven't mentioned this before, The Doors are my favorite ever.
To add to this clusterfuck, a total of 2 of the 8 phones in my house are working, and I don't appreciate having to run around the house to find a phone when half the time I look at the caller id and it says "Toll Free Call" anyway.
My room and the room I've been painting are both a mess, and it's just gotten to the point where I can't function in them anymore, but when I don't even have enough time to do my homework, how the hell am I supposed to find time to clean?
I also need to do laundry desperately. Just in case you needed to know that.
But what I need above everything else,
we're talking about need numero uno.
Is a nap.
I just really, really, need a nap.
This is whats playing in my head:
The End - The Doors
This is the end
Beautiful friend
This is the end
My only friend, the end
Of our elaborate plans, the end
Of everything that stands, the end
No safety or surprise, the end
I'll never look into your eyes...again
Can you picture what will be
So limitless and free
Desperately in need...of some...stranger's hand
In a...desperate land
Lost in a Roman...wilderness of pain
And all the children are insane
All the children are insane
Waiting for the summer rain, yeah
There's danger on the edge of town
Ride the King's highway, baby
Weird scenes inside the gold mine
Ride the highway west, baby
Ride the snake, ride the snake
To the lake, the ancient lake, baby
The snake is long, seven miles
Ride the snake...he's old, and his skin is cold
The west is the best
The west is the best
Get here, and we'll do the rest
The blue bus is callin' us
The blue bus is callin' us
Driver, where you taken' us
The killer awoke before dawn, he put his boots on
He took a face from the ancient gallery
And he walked on down the hall
He went into the room where his sister lived, and...then he
Paid a visit to his brother, and then he
He walked on down the hall, and
And he came to a door...and he looked inside
Father, yes son, I want to kill you
Mother...I want to...fuck you
C'mon baby, take a chance with us
C'mon baby, take a chance with us
C'mon baby, take a chance with us
And meet me at the back of the blue bus
Doin' a blue rock
On a blue bus
Doin' a blue rock
C'mon, yeah
Kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill
This is the end
Beautiful friend
This is the end
My only friend, the end
It hurts to set you free
But you'll never follow me
The end of laughter and soft lies
The end of nights we tried to die
This is the end
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Curious Tuesday: 002 ( but for me, 001)
Courtesy of http://www.galadarling.com
1. What are you most excited for RIGHT NOW?
SUMMER! My best friend and I are going on a road trip along the entire East Coast, starting in Massachusetts and ending in Georgia, then back home to Michigan by way of Chicago anddddddd LOLLAPALOOZA! Possibly the best part about this is that we're financing the entire thing ourselves, which is really a first for the both of us.
2. Who is your style icon? What inspires your look?
My mother inspired my love for fashion and clothing, but I wouldn't say that I actually have a style icon. I know what I like, and what looks good on me, I know what I want to wear, and I try my best to make that work with what I can wear/what's flattering. I think my wardrobe is best defined by eclectic - adj 1: selecting what appears to be best in various doctrines, methods, or styles 2: composed of elements drawn from various sources
3. If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, who would you invite?
Winston Churchill, Thomas Edison, Frank Sinatra, Claude Monet, Pablo Picasso, & others I can't think of right now. I'll add on later. :)
4. What did you dress up as for your first Halloween?
In the first Halloween pictures I've seen of me, I was a lion. The first Halloween I remember I was Dorothy! I had a basket, and ruby slippers and everything! Even a little god stuffed animal to be Toto.
5. What are you improving?
I am working on improving the functionality of my environment. I recently went through,cleaned out, and reorganized my bathroom, I'm moving on to my closet next, and then my room. I'm also working on building better habits about eating, and about doing a lot of that stuff that your mom tells you to do and you ignore her, and then eventually she's going to say, "I told you so." for. For example, moisturizing every morning and every night; I used to do it only when my face was dry ( which was like, never ) and now that I've started to do it consistantly, I'm seeing a huge difference in my skin. I've been using Vanishing Cream from Lush, and I love love love it.
1. What are you most excited for RIGHT NOW?
SUMMER! My best friend and I are going on a road trip along the entire East Coast, starting in Massachusetts and ending in Georgia, then back home to Michigan by way of Chicago anddddddd LOLLAPALOOZA! Possibly the best part about this is that we're financing the entire thing ourselves, which is really a first for the both of us.
2. Who is your style icon? What inspires your look?
My mother inspired my love for fashion and clothing, but I wouldn't say that I actually have a style icon. I know what I like, and what looks good on me, I know what I want to wear, and I try my best to make that work with what I can wear/what's flattering. I think my wardrobe is best defined by eclectic - adj 1: selecting what appears to be best in various doctrines, methods, or styles 2: composed of elements drawn from various sources
3. If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, who would you invite?
Winston Churchill, Thomas Edison, Frank Sinatra, Claude Monet, Pablo Picasso, & others I can't think of right now. I'll add on later. :)
4. What did you dress up as for your first Halloween?
In the first Halloween pictures I've seen of me, I was a lion. The first Halloween I remember I was Dorothy! I had a basket, and ruby slippers and everything! Even a little god stuffed animal to be Toto.
5. What are you improving?
I am working on improving the functionality of my environment. I recently went through,cleaned out, and reorganized my bathroom, I'm moving on to my closet next, and then my room. I'm also working on building better habits about eating, and about doing a lot of that stuff that your mom tells you to do and you ignore her, and then eventually she's going to say, "I told you so." for. For example, moisturizing every morning and every night; I used to do it only when my face was dry ( which was like, never ) and now that I've started to do it consistantly, I'm seeing a huge difference in my skin. I've been using Vanishing Cream from Lush, and I love love love it.
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